December 29, 2012

sunday. what is my life

i wrote this on my phone at 11:46pm mid anxiety attack.

I walked past a cat the other day just napping under a hedge. He was probably there for hours.
Don't you just feel like sometimes society is giving you this template for your life and you're like... why can't i just be a cat enjoying the sunlight? Why must i go through expensive education to receive a degree for a job ill probably be stuck in for the rest of my life just so i can afford to live in a house and eat and survive?
No other species of animal has evolved so far as to create a society that will only give after it takes. Not that i don't enjoy higher order thinking or a concept of self.
Why can't i just live? Enjoy this wonderfully colourful and miraculous world and not have to worry about someone one day taking my car away because im not making payments, or my house because im not working for somebody else in an office job that will make me want to jump out of the window of whatever high rise building i have to trudge to every morning.
We only have one life and dammit i want to see every corner f this world and enjoy food of every culture. i want to swim in pristine clear water and sit under a waterfall. i want to walk on cobblestone roads and discover hidden shops in secret alleyways. I want to run in the rain, and i want to lay like a cat in the sunlight without the world expecting so much of me in return. I just want to live.


December 26, 2012

wednesday. uncertainty

close to the end of grade 7, before graduating primary school, our teachers asked us to write down what we wanted to achieve in life. a career or calling for the future we wanted to share with our family and friends upon graduating.
and so, that children were called up to collect their graduating certificate while being dubbed a "future millionaire" or "ben just wants to live in a big mansion". and so it also came to be that i was called to collect my certificate. "Rhiannon - when rhiannon grows up, she wants to study early childhood education".

i always thought from an early grade school age that i wanted to work with kids. to teach. i never questioned it all through high school, i had apparently made up my mind without really considering anything else. 

now, half way through my 4 year degree, i find myself with no strong feelings for teaching. no strong feelings for any profession. and so i find myself uncertain of what i will do my eventual degree in primary education (my vision altered slightly from grade school) or if i will even use it at all in my future.

who says we need a big fancy career? a doctor, a teacher, a nurse, an engineer, a lawyer. i would be perfectly happy working in a little shop, i think.